Wedding Forum - Am I making a mistake?...

Hi all,

I've vented on here once or twice & TBH it's helped a lot. So, tonight myself & fiancé had one of her friends visit. Long story short, she has kicked husband of 3yrs out for basically being a nightmare to live with. He has started using cocaine & generally picking arguments with her family. His reason? She refuses to give him any affection, hugs, kisses, sex etc.

So we got to talking about this when she left. She claims that if "Sandra" doesn't feel like giving affection she shouldn't feel pressured into it. Now, their relationship mirrors ours more than you can believe. We haven't had sex since June. We haven't kissed since my birthday in July. When I try to give her a peck on cheek I'm "leering all over her". If I suggest making love I'm "pathetic".

She was BM at wedding recently & looked absolutely beautiful, she had put excellent work in at gym & with diet & has lost 2stone & two dress sizes. I've praised her the whole time & she honestly looks so amazing & I'm so proud of her. But if I compliment her I'm being "disgusting".

Basically, should I marry this women who makes me feel 2 inches tall, or should I walk away from the mother of my children whom I love so dearly? Before you even answer, I know you cant answer that. So what can I do?!!!

Oh Barry, it does sound hard for you both right now - my partner and I went through a dry spell for weeks but we finally snapped out of it this week. We spent a couple of evenings together, we talked and got each other back on track. Weddings are stressful and it can get to the best of us!

What I would say is that it sounds like there is more going on with her that she is worrying about but may not have shared with you so far. It's not that she doesn't but by the sounds of it, I certainly thing something else is going on with her. Try sitting down with her and reconnecting for an evening/time out to get back on track is what I'd suggest.

Keep us updated!

Oh gosh when are you due to get married?? You need to have a serious chat.

Just thinking could she be feeling embarrassed by her body or something? After 2 kids and losing 2 stone could she have loose skin etc that is in fact making her feel "disgusting" I no My own body is a far cry from what it was before my son. She could be feeling insecure in herself and not want to get close to you as maybe she doesn't want you to see her body

like the others have said i would definitely sit down and have a talk with her, there could be some reason she's not very accepting with compliments women see their own flaws even when others can't so she maybe insecure about something. If things were to carry on after talking however i would have to question whether marriage is the right path if she makes you feel that bad you shouldn't have to live like that even if you do love her.. hope you manage to sort things out xx

what would you tell a woman if she had said what you have?

Barry, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

You 2 need to talk. Seriously need to talk, everything out on the table and you both need to decide whether marriage is right for you and can you have a happy marriage.

Hope it goes well.

I agree with the others about having a good talk together about what you want and expect from the relationship. If a friend made you feel 2 feet tall, how long would you stay friends with them? You both have to put effort into the relationship.
When we hit a bad patch a while ago, we talked and decided to set one night a week as "date night". We don't necessarily go out to dinner at a restaurant but we use it to spend time together and even just having a cuddle on the sofa watching a movie count. X

Defo sit down and talk to her as you never know there might be something on her mind. Me and my oh don't have sex a lot mainly because I'm really struggling with my body ATM and going through some worries but I am trying to be more affectionate. If she knows how you feel she might be able to make a change or at least explain stuff to you. Good luck and hope it helps you decide either way x

The key to a healthy relationship is communication. How is one partner supposed to know what the other feels without being told? Or shown? They say actions speak louder than words and it sounds like your oh is not showing you the affection you want. Have you asked her why? If not, this is the first thing you need to do. If this doesn't resolve, then relationship counselling may be an option.

My oh and I have been together for nearly 12 years and I can say that we're not as intimate as we'd like. Over the last 3 years I've been studying for a degree and working full time. But remembering to take time out from the things that stress you out is easier said than done. It is very easy to get stuck in a rut. It takes effort from both sides to sort out.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a predicament. x

Barry I'm really sorry to hear this, I was hoping there would be a better outcome for you...

But just... trust me when I say, regardless of your children, you shouldn't marry someone who doesn't love you and is only with you because of your kids. How are you supposed to deal with that for the next, what, 10 years?

Could you maybe suggest counselling, and find out when she started to feel this way? x

I'm sorry to hear that Barry.

If you and your partner both want to work on the relationship then counselling may help but you cannot create love if it isn't there.

You worry about your children but would you be happy staying when you know the love you crave is not reciprocated? You will only go on to resent each other. As your children grow up they will begin to notice something isn't right and it might be better to have happy loving but seperated parents than parents who are together for the sake of it. X

Barry I'm so sorry hear this. It is a horrible feeling when you love someone but they don't love you back. You deserve to get as much as you give.

I hope maybe somehow you can work it out and be happy together, however, do not marry unless it's a shared love for each other, it will only end one way. Both of you will be unhappy and trust me it's not fair on the kids for their parents to be unhappy, they will pick up on it and it will affect them.

Really hope you can find happiness wherever it may be and whoever it is with.

Sorry to hear this Barry, I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

But you need to put yourself first now, not your fiancee, not your kids.. you need to be selfish now and trust things will work out for the best in the future. In the long-run it's going to be better for your kids to cut and run now, rather than drag this on for however long and make them live in an unhappy household.

Coming from a broken family myself I would definitely say it was the best thing my parents did to decide to break up x

Flossie is right. My husband always says he was so relieved when he was a kid when his parents divorced.

So Sorry to hear this Barry. You need to speak with her again suggest counselling like the others suggested, postpone the wedding, It is not fair on any of you to marry just for the kids sake, they will probably already know something is wrong as they will pick up on the atmosphere in the house no matter what front you put on in front of the kids. I grew up in a unhappy house and it was not pleasant for us kids. I was relived when I finally left home at 17 well ran away but that is another story!.

Sometimes you don't know what you have got until you have lost it, maybe some time apart will help her but only you can decide. Sometimes in this life you need to be selfish and think of yourself, life is too short to be unhappy xx Big hugs to you! xx

better to have parents apart and happy than together and miserable.

has she put forward any solution to the situation ?

Getting married because you have children together is not a good enough reason to get married. How long till one of you cheats on the other because your marriage is not working?

I personally come from a single parent household my parents split up when I was very young I do not believe it has affected my quality of life because my parent's were not together.

I got good grades at school, I have a full time job I enjoy, I have a car, live with my fiancé and am very happy and in love with him as he is with me.

My mum remarried and I am happy because I know now she is happy I'm sure your children wouldn't want you to be miserable.

All I'm giving is my personal opinion and advice it's up to you what you want to do just thought the opinion of a person who has had parents split would help.

All the best with what ever decision you make.

She's said she does not love you, but has she said she does not want to marry you? Sorry if you've already said that.

Barry, I am sorry you are going through this, I too have been there.

5years ago (nearing on 6 years now, it was just after our youngest of 5 was born) my husband (to be at the time) was working night shifts doing security, driving 12 hours on the job each night (roughly 300 miles a night) 7 nights in a row, 7 on 3 off, 7 on 4 off etc. plus the hour travel each way. things got really tough, our eldest was constantly sick, we argued over little things. i found something in the boot of the car that i honestly thought meant that he was cheating on me.

one night our eldest had a urine infection that we had only just discovered, my hubby slammed his cutlery on the table, got up & walked out. he wouldnt reply to my messages, wasnt answering the phone to anyone. i stayed up all night waiting for him to get home from work, waiting for him to call me asking me to keep him awake on his journey home like he did every day. but nothing... by the time he finally returned he told me that he too didnt love me anymore.

he was stressed, we both were. he told me that he had only been "sleeping with me" for in his words "something to do". this was the first of a few awful things to happen over the years. for two weeks we didnt have any physical contact, i cried myself to sleep everynight. then one night, he rolled over & whispered in my ear that he loved me, that hes sorry. things were rocky to start but they slowly got better. i would ask if i was allowed to hold his hand, ask for a hug etc.

It did help that there was a randomer that he met on facebook (female) that he was talking to that made him see sense. originally she had been trying to get in his pants but he had been faithful the entire time, they never met in person (he showed me all the messages when i got jealous) but she made him see sense.

since then we have had our fair share of arguements, there have been alot of stresses. the one mentioned above was down to him not feeling adequate enough for me... he has only ever been physical with me & after our first child i lost all my confidence in the bedroom, it was like i was a completely different person than the one he fell in love with. he stated that part of him wanted to stray just to learn more than what i had shown him, that he wanted to be enough for me & didnt feel like he was.

like i say there have been other times but they generally are the same sorts of things.

maybe your wtb is feeling similar? maybe she just doesnt know how to tell you? feels embarrassed about telling you? these things do take time. since then we have had major wobblies such as losing family members that we both blamed ourselves for (long story short... family member was assaulted by another family member... hubby was locked out of that members house when he heard horrendous screams... i sent that family member away to protect them from the married in family member that had done the crime... due to police involvement we were unable to confide in eachother meaning we bottled it all & had no one to talk about it with so the stress kept building.) other wobblies include hubby selling the car he promised to me to his back side of a mate a few days before our wedding, that same "mate" treating me like dirt etc... the most recent which i have been really struggling with lately is my hubby got run over by his own truck (t3sc0s dot com driver reversed into front of it whilst hubby was stood behind it)... hubby has been snapping at me about everything.... even such as watching me put a bi of rubbish in the bin thats full & not taking it out straight away cos my hands are covered in raw meat... its been horrendous... there have even been talks of divorce (we got married in march!) but things are looking up....

I have been with my hubby over 8years & have an app on my phone that allows me to track periods, s3x, pill etc.... it gives me an average of all sorts of things.... on average we have s3x every 8 weeks... thats 6 times a year! that boils down to... christmas, new years, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, & one of the kids birthdays maybe..... thats it! & i dont even have a monthly visitor anymore! yes we have labedos (sorry cant spell) but at the same time... relationships are not just about the physical connection.... those that are based on that always have a shelf life.... i speak from experience.... when we got together we went more times than there are days in the year... im serious... we have a record of 8 in a day! our shelf life was that first major issue as above.... we had to learn how to get past that... we had to learn how to be friends not just lovers. we had to change our relationship to match our new lifestyle.

i think if i can marry a guy that decieved me a few days before our wedding, then im sure you can get through this.... you get to a stage in a relationship where its the companionship that is whats really needed... i knew my hubby didnt mean to upset me the way he has... i knew it deep down, no matter what he said or how small he made me feel.

I personally think that you should woo her some more. weddings are very stressful but that is no reason to lose your relationship over. my hubby was snapping really bad, on the 8th he put a hole in the bathroom door in anger.... whilst i was stood in the doorway.... he had no intention of hurting me, hence he hit the door.... (also he knows im a fiesty one & wont allow myself to be in that situation). on the 9th we went round my grandparents, left the kids there & told him we were going home to sort the bathroom door.... however... when we got home i didnt let him near it..... instead we had some couple time, acted out a fantasy that i knew he had & when we collected the kids 90minutes later... he was a changed man... laughing, tickling etc.... hes been great since, no arguements, no snapping.... simply being himself... the guy i fell in love with... for his birthday on 13th amoung other things i got him a "Movie date night basket" if you search for it you are sure to find it.... got a new dvd, some popcorn, chocolate, his favourite soda popcorn bucket etc.... he loved it! you dont need to spend alot to get your relationship back on track but sitting opposite ends of a 5seater sofa definately wont help!

I hope the above & stories of personal experiences can help you to understand that you are not alone.... i love my husband & much as he covered me in lake water from yarwell off roading day on sunday thinking it was hilarious.... hes in big trouble with me at the moment but i know he loves me whether he says he does or not.... dont throw away a relationship if you know deep down that she loves you!