UK
UKbride Member Request 5 Apr 2019

Should we invite

Ok need some advice. My partner wants to invite his godmother and her partner to our wedding ceremony and night time do. However they have a son with autism who is very sensitive to loud noises and music. Ive worked with kids with special needs since I was young so i have no problems with him but i dont know if i want to put him in that situation knowing the three of them will probably have to leave and the parents cant enjoy their night without worrying about if hes coping. Would it be ok to invite just the godmother and her partner or should we invite him to the nighttime do anyway? Also its 15 pound a head for the night time and half price for kids so would only lose about 38 pound.

70 Comments
UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Well if you have already paid it and you are willing to loose out on the money then I would invite anyway and let them decide?? Xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

If they are close I would invite all 3 and if they choose not to come with their child or leave early then its their choice. Least they can decide themselves. X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Hi I also work with people who have learning disabilities and there is one young girl who has autism just like the person you have described and during events like fireworks etc we give her some sturdy earphones/earmuffs would you be able to provide these and then maybe they could come :) just an idea ;)

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Id speak to them and see what they prefer🤷🤷

Beth Whitaker
Beth Whitaker 6 Apr 2019

They might take it really personally if you don’t invite him, like you just dont want him there. Ultimately he is a part of their lives and they have to factor him in whether he’s invited or not. they might have people they rely on that if they want an adults only night they can try get a babysitter like anyone else, but I think the polite thing to do is invite him in case they do want to come as a family.

Rachael Louise
Rachael Louise 6 Apr 2019

Think it should be there choice as parents

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I would invite him and trust that they know what their son's limitations are.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Let them make the decision for themselves! If they fancy a night off, they have an opportunity. If they decide to bring him, they will know how to deal with any sensory issues.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I would invite him anyway then they can decide what they want to do. If what you are worried about is easting money I'm sure they will tell you their plans in time for final numbers. I'd be offended if my son wasn't invited and other children were.

Sonia Chowles
Sonia Chowles 6 Apr 2019

My daughter is autistic and struggles with certain things however she would be upset not to be invited and as a parent, I already feel isolated when people choose for me if I can do something. They will appreciate the choice, and their little boy may surprise you and really have fun x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I would just do exactly the same as what you are doing for all the other couples with kids that you are equally close to. If you’re inviting others then invite him and let them make the decision xxx

Johanna McFadzean
Johanna McFadzean 6 Apr 2019

I have two special needs siblings. We have invited their respite carers to be there for them and if needed to take them out/ home. Whatever they need.
You could ask the parents if there is anyone who could do that for them? Alternatively, you could tell them he's welcome to come but no pressure either way. Just talk to the parent. They will know best.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

We have a family member with autism. He was invited but we know how he struggles in these situations. We talked to the family and explained that we would've loved him to be there but understood it was too much for him. It may be worth having the conversation first x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Surely being that you've worked with kids with special needs you have an understanding of autism, therefore you would automatically think ok he will need ear defenders and possibly a social story surrounding weddings to prepare him of what to expect providing he has never attended a wedding before, in addition to this he is their son and they will know and decide what is best for him. Send the invite, pay the money and hope they can attend and enjoy themselves, if their son is overwhelmed by the situation and environment it will be their decision and choice whether to leave or choose a strategy for him. All you need to do is send an invite and offer any help or support they may need.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Surely that's a choice for his mot to make. If she thinks he won't cope then she won't bring him

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I'd invite, and maybe ask the parents if there is an ything you can try to do to make it less upsetting for him like as somebody said get him some earmuffs as a present, we also has a children's room at our weeing with colouring big in there and sweets ect see if your venue has a small side room where you could set one up, where kids can get away from the main throng of things and it may be just the thing he needs x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Invite all 3, if they think it will be too much for him they will find care for him xx

Carolina Fletcher
Carolina Fletcher 6 Apr 2019

Make a suitable place for him to go to have calm down time. just because he has autism doesn't mean he should be left out. if his mum thinks it's too much she will say her self. our daughter has suspected autism we wouldnt dream of not having her there because of it. we will have a sensory special place for her to go.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I think it depends on whether children are invited or not. Any special needs are met by the parents. So your decision isn’t about 1 child it’s about all children.
Personally we didn’t have any children at our wedding, solely for the reason that the parents could relax. It’s all about personal choice x

Laura-Jean Gort
Laura-Jean Gort 6 Apr 2019

I’d invite them all but then be in touch with them personally and just let them know the situation and your worries and make them aware that you know whatever they have to do to make sure their son is in the most comfortable environment possible and you are completely understanding of whatever decision they make. I wouldn’t even mention cost to them at all if it were me, I’d take that liberty on myself and not care, as long as they are happy and comfortable as a family and not feeling like they’re being forced into whatever decision you decide to take.
I know its hard, I’ve been having the same thoughts with planning our own wedding (my dad has a brain injury), but it’s something that needs to be taken into consideration. I think if you put it down to their decision as parents what they do/don’t do thats the best possible outcome.

.... hope this helps 😊

Respect for your concerns ... truely.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

100% invite him! It could be a great experience for him. Maybe put some things in place to help him like a quiet room somewhere if that’s possible, ear plugs, etc. His parents will decide whether they think it’s suitable for him to come and if they do come and have to leave early atleast they came for a while! I think it’s always nice to offer an invite to people even if you know or suspect they won’t accept. Me and my husband recently didn’t get invited to an important family event because they thought we would of declined the invite but sometimes the thought is what counts! I’d rather have an invite and decline it than not have an invite at all if that makes any sense ️️️

Jodie Fletcher
Jodie Fletcher 6 Apr 2019

It's up to you.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Supply him with noise cancelling headphones then he can still enjoy the night with the family

Abigail Hankins
Abigail Hankins 6 Apr 2019

As a parent of a child with autism, plus having got married recently. If you're having children I wouldn't exclude him, but I'd like to think that the parents would make their own decision. I also made sure mine had a favour bag to keep them occupied - Lego, drawing pad and pencils, a fiddle cube rubber and a camera scavenger hunt. Bubbles got when outside. Personally my autistic son loves occasions like this, we had ear defenders on hand all day - were used in the evening 😊

Chelsea-Anne Horrocks
Chelsea-Anne Horrocks 6 Apr 2019

My brother in law has autism and loves weddings, he just takes ear defenders and if it gets to much goes home but normally after a few hours as he enjoys catching up with everyone. I think they would be upset at not getring an invite x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Have a chat with the godmother! She knows her son best and what he would be able to work with. Then there’s no guessing and you all can create a plan for everyone to be included but relaxed

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Don’t exclude someone because of their disability! My son has Autism and if I was invited to a wedding but he wasn’t for the reasons you state then I wouldn’t bother coming. It sounds to me you are thinking of yourself rather than the child. It’s up to the parents to decide if they bring him and I’m sure as HIS PARENTS they will do what’s best for him and them - if that means leaving early then that’s what they have to do - their son is more important than your wedding

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I don't think that's up to you to decide for them. He deserves a Invite as much as a child without autism
Send then invite and let him decide.
My son's currently in the process of being diagnosed he takes his ear defenders to places like this.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

We have no children coming to our wedding (expect mine and God children who are in the wedding party) so if it's no children then it's up to the parents to find a baby sitter or one not come. But if you have other kids attending i really think you should let your godmother decide what is best for him. Good Luck.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

My godfathers younger daughter has a gene deficiency. I have allowed for her carer to come. I feel I want them all their all day no matter what. I know they have a day plan that they follow to help her understand and I will be giving them the wedding day plan so they can use this. Maybe talk to them about how you can help make him feel comfortable through the day and let them make the final choice.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

One of my oldest friends son I autistic, he was part of my wedding party, he had his ears covered during the bagpipes and I made sure that his meal was separated on his plate but other than that he really enjoyed himself.

Jessica Wilson
Jessica Wilson 6 Apr 2019

Update to anyone interested. There will be no other children at the wedding he will be the only one so already im not sure i want to put him in an environment where he only has his mam and dad. Hes a very shy little boy and not just in terms of the autism (i completely understand that this doesnt determine invite or not) but i dont know if i want to put a child in a drinking environment.
The venue itself i worried will not have a quiet space he can go as the bar is one room and then the other side of the hall will be the reception room (where it will be loud as its where the dancefloor is). I dont want to make him have to spend the whole night wearing earphones but he really struggles at the minute. He was over a couple of weeks ago and was crying to go home because of a dog barking outside, its really tough for him and i dont want to give him or the family any more stress. Can i just say its a no child wedding, because he will be the only child attending?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Speak to them first about your concerns for his wellbeing and see what they want to do. I think it's lovely that you are being so understanding but they are his parents and know him best and will appreciate the conversation. Xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Invite all three and let the parents decide if their son can cope with the evening, they know him best.

Andrea Lawlor
Andrea Lawlor 6 Apr 2019

I had a similar situation. My hubby's aunt and husband have a severely autistic son who does require full time care. He is the most lovely person to know but the evening party of a wedding can be overwhelming with those sensory issues.

I sat down with them and talked over the whole thing. They were full day guests for me, but they said they wanted to try in the evening too as they wanted him to experience it, as he had never been to a wedding before. They knew his capabilities better than I did which is why we had the talk. They were ever so appreciative that we did as they understood we were just looking out for his wellbeing. In the end they did have to leave early but they still got to enjoy some of the party.

So my advice it to have a chat with them.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Maybe you could have the Loud music start at 8pm and have some quiet entertainment for the lull for all of your guests in-between, they may be able to come during that bit for a few hours, so they don't feel completely excluded. Like others have said, maybe talk to them first to show you are thinking about them x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Talk to them and ask them what’s the best option. They will know what he will cope with and not cope with x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Invite them & let his parents decide on the best course of action

Sarah Lockey
Sarah Lockey 6 Apr 2019

I would invite him. It’s up to the parents to decide. As the mum of a child with autism if he wasn’t invited none of us would go. Parents know children infinitely better than anyone else. My son loves a party as long as he knows he has somewhere to go and has been prepared for it properly. And he’s only 7

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I think that decision should be up to the parents. I have a child with classic non verbal autism and we don’t get invited places - even my own godsons birthday tea party. It really is heartbreaking how many people turn their backs on us - life is hard enough as it is... we will always do best by our kids and we wouldn’t put them in a situation that would cause them distress - knowing we’ve been thought about is a big enough gesture xxx

Jemma Gallimore
Jemma Gallimore 6 Apr 2019

My daughter has ASD and loud noise don’t affect her. Surely there is ear defenders. Me personally invited them all and let the parents decide.

Jo Camp
Jo Camp 6 Apr 2019

I personally think if your happy to have all three at your wedding then it’s him and his parents that can make the final choice, we personally aren’t really having any children at the wedding however we spoke to people who have children individually to find out how they personally felt about it

Amy Vigor-Green
Amy Vigor-Green 6 Apr 2019

I would invite all 3 of them and let them decide of their child will cope with it or not. If they are use to taking him places then he would have ear defenders etc for him.

Amy Eager
Amy Eager 6 Apr 2019

If you’re not inviting kids, don’t invite him. We’re having a kid free wedding apart from 3 of them.

However if other people are allowed to bring their children, you have no right making that decision for them. If children are invited, every parent will make a decision as to whether or not the children are coming and that is down to them. Please do not, deliberately not invite this boy because of his autism. That’s not your choice to make based on that.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Leave the decision to them

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

It depends how old he is. If he’s younger I think he needs invited but if he’s older maybe it’s possible he can go somewhere for the day so they can focus on enjoying themselves. Just speak to them and say you would love him to come but give the parents the choice!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I think that's a discussion to have with the parents, face to face. Simply go round for a visit, tell them they are all invited and ask if they think it will be too much for him. Suggest maybe arranging for them to visit before hand so they can familiarise themselves with the setting and map our quiet area he they can take him for a break if it does get a bit much xxx

Clare Dickson
Clare Dickson 6 Apr 2019

I'd include him on invite then its up to parents to bring him they can make that decision x

helen bavister
helen bavister 6 Apr 2019

If you don’t mind him being there invite him too. Then it’s up to his parents to decide whether he can cope or not

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Ask them; and say your happy for them to come and he is too; but you want them to decide xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Well ask them if they feel comfortable bringing him etc etc and say what you e just said unfortunately I haven’t got that much experience with autistic people but it is unfair to exclude

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Ask the parents if they think he will cope with the noise. Explain your concerns and that you don't want to exclude him but you also don't want to cause him any distress.

Olivia Brown
Olivia Brown 6 Apr 2019

I know it’s your big day, and it’s lovely that you’re considering his needs so acutely. What I would say, his parents know best how and if he will cope with the situation and know what strategies to implement to ensure he manages if appropriate. Invite him and leave the decision to his parents. If they feel it’s completely inappropriate that he attends they will either not come, or arrange appropriate care for him while they go out. If he can cope by putting measures in place, chat with them about how you can work together to accommodate him. Better that they feel included because I bet they miss out on so many invitations because people worry about their son. None of this is likely ever to be malice, but fear and concern. Invite them. Even if they decide not to go, they’ll be delighted

Siobhan Knight-Potgieter
Siobhan Knight-Potgieter 6 Apr 2019

Speak to the parents personally and ask if you can do anything to make sure they are all comfortable at the wedding.

Invite all three but specifically ask what you can do to help. This way you are showing you care and have thought about them in a nice way.

You phrased your question well and hopefully with the right preparations they will not have to leave early.

Nicola Hunter
Nicola Hunter 6 Apr 2019

If it were me, I'd speak with them first. Id offer the invite for all 3 if they think both they and he will be comfortable, especially with the knowledge that if they needed to leave early to accommodate for the kiddo could be appreciated.

Basically have a chat with them. See how they feel about it. If he really wants to include them I'm sure both they and he will appreciate the thought of it. The taboo about not speaking to people about whether they coming before sending out invites is silly anyway.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

This reads as though you dont want to waste £38 on this family.
If your partner wants them there on his special day ( because its his day too) then you should invite them and let them decide whats best for their son.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Is there a room in the venue that could be used that would be quiet that he could go to if it gets too much?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

Invite them and let them decide. I'm sure they know what their son can cope with. Once they rsvp you can confirm numbers. Maybe you should consider that they have more to worry about than organising a wedding!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I'd just make sure they are happy with him going. It they are then what will be will be. They are bringing him knowing his needs so they know what they may be in for. Xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

The parents will decide the outcome to your selfish invitation.

Charlotte Ward
Charlotte Ward 6 Apr 2019

Ir you are inviting all the other children to the evening but not him.. that sucks. Autistic children get left out of everything its hurtful to the child abd the parents

Louise Newson
Louise Newson 6 Apr 2019

If you are inviting kids to the evening do you can't not invite theirs because he is autistic. .. I'm sure they will not put their son through any trauma so you doby need to make the decision for them. I would be quite hurt if my son was excluded from something just because he was autistic.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I dont think thats really your decision to make?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

I’d invite them all and let them worry about him they’ll know him and his needs and I’m sure they won’t put him in a situation too overwhelming x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Apr 2019

My son is severely autistic and non verbal and it breaks my heart we often get left out and not invited. The parents will know how to respond and wether he would be ok to attend or not and with his vital comforters and aids. Or he’d be better with another family member. I’m sure if you raise it with them before hand so you know you can then arrange how much to put down for your pricing too as parents like us understand there’s also the worry over a budget. I often tell people that we will or will not be bringing him and if so don’t worry about food he’d much prefer his own (due to him not eating wet food only a small variety of dry snacks). Hope you have a good wedding, and that he enjoys it if he attends, if not I hope his parents enjoy a few hours out and relax a little

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 7 Apr 2019

In my opinion... it's not your call to make or worry about really. They come as a family, if you are inviting other families then you just cant exclude this child, Their parents would be hurt and it could cause a rift. If there were no other children invited to the wedding (which seems to be all the rage these days, something i dont understand at all, children are great at weddings and the first on the dance floor lol) then thats fine as they wouldnt feel their child has been personally excluded. If they turn up, see other family units there they will be extremely understandably upset. If they decide to come they will deal with any situations that arise and leave if their child gets overwhelmed im sure. All you need to concentrate on is your wedding and enjoying the day and not worrying about others. Maybe approach them before the wedding, dont discuss the invite but just ask them, how does your child cope at weddings and things like that, do you they they will be ok at ours? any provisions i can put in place? They might turn around and say that they wernt thinking of bringing them anyway and the child will be with a relative that day.

Hayley Marden
Hayley Marden 7 Apr 2019

Invite all 3 and obv if they decide to just go then two at least they made the choice.

Vickie Drake
Vickie Drake 7 Apr 2019

I would invite them. If the son has hyper sensitivity to noise then you can get ear defenders for him to wear that help reduce noise levels to a volume that is comfortable for him

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 8 Apr 2019

Invite them all leave it up to the parents wether or not he should come.. that decision should be theirs.

Kathleen Smedley
Kathleen Smedley 9 Apr 2019

By him some noice drowning head phones x

Comment

Before we add your comment, please: log in to an existing UKbride account or join UKbride
Why Join?