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UKbride Member Request 3 Apr 2019

Family possibly not coming...

So this is a bit long winded....We are getting married May half term 2020, in Spain. We have booked a villa for a whole week, there is enough room for all the family to stay so they don't need to pay for accommodation, just flights. We are currently looking at getting married on the Wed but my future SIL has told me her and her family might not be able to come as its her step-daughters 18th on the Tues and they have no money. I am debating whether to change the date to the Sunday or Monday before (as we have nothing else booked right now so we wouldn't lose any money ect) so they could potentially fly home before the birthday (The step daughter isn't invited as she lives with her mum) I feel like we have helped out best we can with paying for the accommodation, as my brother is in a similar situation regarding money, but he has started saving and is very excited. Am I being unreasonable with being a little upset over them possibly not coming?

27 Comments
Hayley Marden
Hayley Marden 4 Apr 2019

When you have a wedding abroad it can be tricky as flights in half term can be more money. I know you want them there but if they cant make it maybe do a little celebration when you get back for everyone that could not make it. You should not have to keep changing your plans to suit everyone else it's your day and if they can afford it they will come.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Without being nasty, can I ask why the step daughter living with her mum means she is not invited? Effectively she is your niece. I have 2 step daughters who live with their mum, but I love them and treat then just as I do my biologic child, and it does upset myself and my husband when they are not included in things as they are "not family" x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Would step daughter not want to come to spain and celebrate her birthday there? Bit weird to say she’s not invited cause she lives with her mam especially since she’s not a little kid

Rachel Doxey
Rachel Doxey 4 Apr 2019

You are allowed to be upset but if they can’t afford it then that’s understandable. Have a chat with them and see if you can work something out , if not maybe have a party when you get back

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Have the wedding out the for the people who can come then have a party back at home where you wear your dress again and your hubby wears he's suit have have another party for everyone

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

I agree Laura Simmons. It's your day make it how you want it.

Sarah Sharpe
Sarah Sharpe 4 Apr 2019

You've decided to get married away from home, sorry, but you have to be prepared for people not to come. That's a choice you have made. Why should you expect people to spend money they don't have on getting to your wedding. Perhaps they would prefer to save their money to do other things or maybe they don't have any spare cash to save

Andrea Lawlor
Andrea Lawlor 4 Apr 2019

I've had to miss weddings because I don't have the cash. If someone doesn't have the money to pay for that, then it is what it is. You will have a lot of people unable to make it as it is abroad. Maybe have an at home party they can attend?

jade kendall
jade kendall 4 Apr 2019

I would say, it’s your day do it how you want to do it, unfortunately when you get married abroad you have to be prepared for people not being able to attend for various reasons x

Also I really want to get married in Spain, but didn’t think we could as we don’t live there- is this possible? And how did you go about it - any advice would be fab tia x

Tor Allport
Tor Allport 4 Apr 2019

I got married in Portugal last year at the end of the summer holidays, one of my sisters said she couldnt come with her family as they couldnt afford it. I was upset as well but I didnt change my plans. She came out on her own in the end. I missed having the rest of them there but was great to have her there, would she not go on her own she could travel with the rest of your family and stay with you? Like others have said it's your wedding and you've chosen to do it abroad these things happen. You can be upset but dont let it ruin things. It's about you and your h2b xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Could you get married on the Thursday and they could fly out on the Wednesday, the day after the daughter's 18th? The only thing I would say, is that if you change the day of your wedding to accommodate your SIL, you want to make sure she's definitely coming!
It does add extra pressure when you get married abroad. It's a big ask, inviting people who may struggle with the cost.
I got married in Majorca 18 months ago and there were only 9 of us, but it was perfect. Have a fantastic time x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Its understandable to be upset, but a wedding abroad is expensive for some, they may not be in a position to save up to come, no matter who the family member is. It's absolutely your choice to get married wherever you want, it's your special day but you need to be prepared for people not coming xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Even if you did change your plans you have to be prepared to the fact they still might not come. As for everyone asking about the step daughter she might already have plans for her 18th with family and friends.

If they can’t come to the main wedding why not do a reception when you get home where you can and your husband can re-wear your dress and thx for everyone to see.

I know a few people who got married in France and in New York, only had a few family members and friends with them then on returning put on their wedding outfits for the reception at home with everyone

Beth Whitaker
Beth Whitaker 4 Apr 2019

Honestly I think if my stepdaughter wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding then none of us would be going anyway

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

Either way they will still not have the money. I would suggest a webcam link.... friends did this and it worked out quite nice, but that is only if they really cant go. I wouldnt ask my partner to marry me in a place where his family couldn't go though

Katie-Louise Curnow
Katie-Louise Curnow 4 Apr 2019

If you get married abroad, you have to accept that some people will not be able to justify the money to come out and see it. For example I haven't been able to justify a holiday for years, if I could save the money I wouldn't be spending it on someone else's wedding, I'd be having a family holiday somewhere of my choosing and be sending the couple my best wishes, no matter how close we were. Especially if you hadn't invited one of my kids 🤷‍♀️

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

I wouldn't change a date for a sister in law. For mum and dad yes as they are essential. I would stick to my original day and if people don't come, they don't come. You can't organize a wedding to please everyone. People have lives too. And its normal. If it makes you feel any better, my actual sister isn't coming to my wedding at all as it means her travelling on a plane, and she doesn't fly. Life

Christine Paxman
Christine Paxman 4 Apr 2019

Thanks for the replies, just to clarify it was my partners idea to have the wedding in Spain. And we asked his sister about the step daughter as she has a step son as well and it was her that said not to invite the step kids as it would make things more complicated. We would be happy to invite them. We treat the step kids like family, the step son we haven't seen in nearly 5 years. We are already planning a party for when we get back. I just felt that as my brother is in pretty much the same situation and has said he will start saving ect and do his best, yet they seem to have just shot it down quite quickly. We haven't actually sent the invites out yet so it's not a definite no. I feel bad for my H2B as its his sister. Like I said it was him that chose Spain.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

If my sister got married abroad I probably couldn't afford it either x your day, your choice, but you can't expect everyone to come up with cash if they don't have it...

Sammy Eldridge
Sammy Eldridge 4 Apr 2019

If they can’t afford it then changing the date won’t matter. Sounds like an excuse, cheap flights to Spain aren’t expensive.
I’m getting married abroad April 2020 and each guest is paying between £1800 and £2500 to be there but they had over a year to save or do payments on it. Some just said they couldn’t afford it, that’s fine I wasn’t changing it for anyone.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

It's over a year away they should be able to save money so they can go and the 18 year old celebrate in spain

.Melanie Brice
.Melanie Brice 4 Apr 2019

Why is your step daughter not going? My step daughters x3 live with their mum but they are all attending our wedding in Cyprus and we are paying for everything.???

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Apr 2019

I’m getting married in Cyprus. That means some people aren’t able to attend due to time off work and/or finances. I knew that it could happen and it was a choice we made for OUR day. Please don’t be disappointed if people don’t attend. We’re having a celebration when we come home for friends and family that aren’t coming. Enjoy your day xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 5 Apr 2019

Some people are awkward/selfish, others genuinely care and will be there no matter what. I appreciate they already have plans, that truly is something that cannot be changed but what I’ve mentioned above is what I believe it all boils down to.

Regarding the money, for one day of which you’ve given tonnes of notice, they can’t even fathom or bring themselves to save for the event of which you’d love them to be there, but would make a point of expressing there emotions or feeling if you weren’t to invite them! The mind boggles!!

In your situation, I’d be a little flexible. Like you said, you don’t have anything planned but otherwise, if you did, I’d stick to my guns and go with the date you originally picked.
It’s a bit heartless but sometimes it can certainly be seen that way but sometimes you’ve got to be a little selfish - you can’t accommodate everybody and it’s more hassle trying to! That’s one thing I’ve learned planning our wedding.

Some see it as important others just don’t.

Marie Burnett
Marie Burnett 5 Apr 2019

No!!! Leave them behind, sounds like an excuse anyway. You sort you and hubby and have a great time xxx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 5 Apr 2019

Is the marriage just a ceremony or are one of you Spanish? As a former overseas wedding coordinator I didn’t think that a wedding in Spain for two Brits was legal? And sadly not everyone can afford to have an overseas holiday to be at your wedding. Have a low key party at home when you get back so those that can’t afford to come can celebrate your day all over again with you xx

Christine Paxman
Christine Paxman 6 Apr 2019

Julie M, we legally have to get married here but its literally going to be us and 2 witnesses signing the paperwork. The wedding is in Spain, but its classed as a blessing. We are having a party when we get back.
Anyone asking why the step-niece isn't invited , it is because there is also a step-nephew and my h2b sister has said not to invite them. we are more than happy to invite them.
Everyone has known since the day we got engaged (Last October) that we were going to do this in Spain. We are paying for the accommodation for all the guests so hiring 2 villas so no one has to pay for that, the only thing everyone needs to sort is the flights.
Also it was my h2b that wanted to do it in Spain.

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