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UKbride Member Request 21 Feb 2019

Dropping a Bridesmaid without losing her friendship.

When I first got engaged we started to plan and I asked the women I'd chosen to be my bridesmaids but since then I've had a change of heart on one of them. I do care about her and still want her at my wedding but she's very unreliable, she bails on plans last minute or doesn't follow through with making the plans and we rarely speak. I also need to make cut backs where I can so having one less bridesmaid will help. I feel awful and really don't want to fall out with her. How do I explain it to her without losing her?

44 Comments
UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

My sister simply messaged two of her bridesmaids to say they wernt participating and hadn't been involved in the last 8 months of wedding planning so she hopes they understand why she's sacrificing them xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Voice your feelings to her and explain that you feel like you are drifting. Tell her you wanted/wanting her to be bridesmaid but, she's not showing the same commitment as the others.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Balls to it and just tag her in this post 🤣 #done

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Ouch. Tricky one. Be prepared to lose a friend

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Just say I only would like family to be bridesmaids xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

I'd sit her down and explain it to her, let her know you're having to cut back and it may be better if she attends as a guest, if she's a good friend she'll understand

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

And this is why I'm only having one lol
I'd say explain it's not about them it's about budget and that you're upset but just can't stretch financially

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

I would just say that you got over-excited at the time, and now that you and fiancee have had a chance to go over the budget etc, you've realised you cant have everything you originally wanted, including the number of bridesmaids. If shes a true friend, she'll accept it. But be prepared for her to be disappointed, as this would be a normal reaction.

Keri Biggin
Keri Biggin 21 Feb 2019

I had the same issue with one of mine, i had to be brave and say something but turned out she was feeling the same and couldn’t commit so worked out best for both of us xxx good luck it’s not an easy thing to do xx

Nadine Sheard
Nadine Sheard 21 Feb 2019

This happened to me but I didn’t ask her not to be part of the wedding but I was having doubts about her bailed on my hen etc, and then she ended up not turning up 💁‍♀️ gave me 2 days notice she wouldn’t be coming! I regret not getting rid of her earlier

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

I would simply explain to her that you got overwhelmed at the beginning of planning it all, and now that you and fiancee have had time to sit and go over everything and to go over the budget, you have both realised that unfortunately you both cant have everything you originally wanted and unfortunately it includes the number of bridesmaids and guest. If she is a true friend, she will understand and accept it ok with no come back. But obviously be prepared for her to be disappointed too as it's a big thing for people to be asked to be a bridesmaid and would be a normal reaction to be told this. Make sure you explain that you look at her as a good friend and that it would mean alot for her to still attend your wedding as you would both still like her there.
Good luck xxx

Andrea Lawlor
Andrea Lawlor 21 Feb 2019

I had to drop a bridesmaid for similar reasons. I asked her and she said yes. She then proceeded to flake of every dress hunt (both bridal and bridesmaid) and had no input at all for me.

I ended up calling and asking if she wanted to still be my bridesmaid? I explained how I needed support throughout the process and that she wasn't providing it.

In the end, she understood where I was coming from and there were no hard feelings between us for her stepping down.

Kayleigh E Alman
Kayleigh E Alman 21 Feb 2019

If she’s really your friend she would be more involved and if she was really your friend she would understand and see the reasons from your point of view x

Maria  Bywater
Maria Bywater 21 Feb 2019

What is she so unreliable about and what do you actually need her to do? I really don't want to sound offensive but how much do you need from your bridesmaids? people are not cut backs, fancy stuff is less important than people you care about, maybe she is having a tough time with stuff and needs a friend maybe reach out to her and see how she is doing and why she hasn't been able to be around. Friendship is a 2 way street and she may need support,. if it turns out she cant be bothered then have that convo but maybe see if she is ok before making a decision like that. her life may be falling apart and she is stressed and upset and doesn't want that around you bringing you down, that doesn't make her a bad friend. I havrnt seen 2 of mine in around 6-8 months as they live far away and i dont speak to them all the time, doesnt mean they dont care. (sorry again I dont want to sound rude but your friend may need a friend, they are for life, a wedding is 1 day)

.Melanie Brice
.Melanie Brice 21 Feb 2019

Don't feel bad. Do what's best for you

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Speak to her and make sure she's okay. There may be a reason behind her 'bailing'. For me, friendship is more important than the wedding

Katie Pearson
Katie Pearson 21 Feb 2019

Just be honest. A true friend will understand. Ask her to do a reading instead of you still want her part of it?, x

Lauren Holt
Lauren Holt 21 Feb 2019

I’d avoid blaming it on budget - if you’re only going to ask one on the basis of budget it wouldn’t be fair, or subtle.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Why don't you explain how you feel and ask her to do something else. Like maybe a reading during the ceremony and signing as your witness. That way she's still involved but it doesn't cost anything. And if she flakes then you can always just ask someone else to do the reading and sign the register....

Stacey Gill
Stacey Gill 21 Feb 2019

I've found with people that are disinterested with the wedding and bailing on plans all the time usually means that they wish they never accepted in the first place so they'll likely just want a way or anyway so don't stress about it too much

Cat Cubitt
Cat Cubitt 21 Feb 2019

Don’t worry my maid of honour cut me off and stopped talking to me 6 months before my wedding! Don’t think she could cope. Sooo, Could be worse. Just be honest. If she doesn’t like it, hell with her..Sounds like she’s not exactly a good friend anyway.

Jess Collins
Jess Collins 21 Feb 2019

I had this with two of my maids I have a message I wrote to them. Message me if you want a reAd Hun xxx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Imagine having to tell your 16 year old bridemaid she isn't going to a hen do, then have both her and your best man (her brother) drop from the wedding entirely! ONLY A MONTH BEFORE THE WEDDING TOO! It's your wedding at end of the day. Be as selfish as you need to be! Because there's always people who aren't happy. Sophie White will agree

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Just be honest. U dont have to be nasty bit just be honest

Michelle Sherratt
Michelle Sherratt 21 Feb 2019

Oooooooo good luck with this. Any way it's a delicate situation..can you stand not to have her in your life at all? Is there going to be any fall out? Is she connected to any of your other friend's? Did she go to your hen do?, dress fittings,? help with the planning? Provide emotional support? If all that is no. Then you're not losing anything by asking her to step down and a bonus is that you'reavoiding drama later on down the line. I cannot stand bullshit friendships, I'd rather not interact with such people. I've found you see people's true colours when you plan your wedding. Why have someone in a key role who doesn't give a fats rats ass about the wedding or your happiness??

Chelsea-Anne Horrocks
Chelsea-Anne Horrocks 21 Feb 2019

The only thing you can do is arrange to go for a coffee with her, tell her your concerns. Some brides ask bridesmaids to contribute towards the cost of their dresses to cut costs,could that be an option?x

Megan-elizabeth Forrest
Megan-elizabeth Forrest 21 Feb 2019

F as I'm in the same situation I unofficially asked one of my friends when I thought I was having 6 bm but now I can only have 3 so have to drop the unofficial asked one but no clue how to do It, I was thinking of just messaging her and saying it straight before she finds out at the official asking x

Ami Dixon-Smith
Ami Dixon-Smith 21 Feb 2019

I had to do the exact same thing. She was my friend and loved me too so she understood why. Yes she was hurt but she understood why I said what I said.

Emily Mash
Emily Mash 21 Feb 2019

If you’ve asked her to be a part of your day I think it seems really harsh to remove her from that. If she’d done something nasty or you’d fallen out I’d get it but if it’s just because she’s a bit flaky then you would’ve known she was like that before asking her. Just be careful you don’t lose a friend forever, if I was her I’d be really hurt by being unasked. Have a fab day and do what you feel is best. Good luck x

Natalie Lloyd
Natalie Lloyd 21 Feb 2019

Id maybe mention to her that things need to be done and if she feels overwhelmed by her own life to then add wedding bits on top would be too much, you would understand and would love her to still be at the wedding, hen do etc, just relieve the pressure of "bridesmaid duties"

Daidze D?di?a
Daidze D?di?a 21 Feb 2019

If she is like that don't worry about losing her. She has small interest in your big day. Keep people that make you happy!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Do what’s best for you! a freind I chose for my wedding (I had 13 people at mine) I haven’t heard from since 1year after #wishidchosedifferent🤷‍️

Fiona Smith
Fiona Smith 21 Feb 2019

I had the same issue! I basically said to her that with her not coming to things did she still feel like she wanted to be a bridesmaid and she actually said no. So it might be the same for you! Good luck!

Rebecca Elliott
Rebecca Elliott 21 Feb 2019

There's no reason behind her being unreliable other than that. She's forever out with her other friends and boyfriend, she's always been someone who becomes distant once she's in a relationship. I'm not saying she's a bad friend and I'm not saying my reasoning is money, I just said it would help that. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and talk to her, hopefully she will understand and still be part of our day. Thank you all so much for your advice, its really appreciated 😊♥️

Rebecca Elliott
Rebecca Elliott 21 Feb 2019

I didn't realise I'd posted anonymously either, I'm new to this sorry guys 🙈😂

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 21 Feb 2019

Honestly. She is probably going to be hurt either way. But explain to her as best as you can. I also probably wouldn’t mention anything about her being unreliable. As this might make it look like a punishment.

Sue Harpin
Sue Harpin 21 Feb 2019

I had that too but my old maid of honour was trying to control everyrhing like colour scheme and what dress i bought. But it didnt work. She didnt speak to me in months so why shud i have her in my bridal party. I told her as much and i told her some home truths as she wasnt a teuw friend she was using me . So i politely told her she cud be a guest but she tutted in the end i told her if u cant bother helping me when u were going to be my matron of honour and not bother with me at all dont bother coming at all. Just dont like been used. My colour scheme is not the one she was telling people and the dress she wanted me to buy didnt get either as it was second hand mine is beand new im now happy and content. Alot of stress gone who needs friends like that. ur friend may be ok she, may not be ,nobody knows until u tell her

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 22 Feb 2019

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my cousins wedding and I was really excited and happy about it (she’s like a sister to me so you can imagine!) I then became pregnant and I was unwell with morning sickness. I wanted to go to events, but I didn’t want to take away attention from her, so I’d think of an excuse last minute not to go. Eventually I had to say something because it was getting ridiculous but I was so nervous about telling her. I also realised my due date was around her wedding date and that stressed me out even more! Thank god I have an amazing cousin who understands and supports me and I needn’t have worried, but sometimes people have stuff going on behind the scenes. Ask her if she is okay and reassure her that you’re there for her. It’s a difficult situation but if you’re friends, she will understand!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 22 Feb 2019

Tell her you were disappointed she let you down, put you understand if she has issues.would like to have a coffee with her,and still be friends. Life to short xx

Louise Newson
Louise Newson 22 Feb 2019

Realistically it's gonna be hard to get out of this one without hurting her feelings and risking her not coming at all. Put yourself in her shoes, how can you not feel upset to be removed from the wedding party. Justhe be honest. And hope for the best. Good luck. Xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 22 Feb 2019

You mention her being unreliable, but is that just in general life or has it been something to do with the wedding planning? If not Maybe you should give her some sort of wedding duty test, something for her to do that can be done now and see how she is at doing that to prove she’s up for the task of being your bridesmaid? Then if that fails you have the perfect excuse to cut her from the wedding x

Charlotte Wright
Charlotte Wright 25 Feb 2019

Just say what you feel, don't be scared too. If she bails out too much on plans then it's okay to say that she's not bridesmaid anymore, and if she is a good friend then she will understand, it's your wedding your choice so don't be scared to voice out your concerns. :)

Rebecca Elliott
Rebecca Elliott 7 Mar 2019

*Update*

I planned on having a chat with her face to face and as it turns out she actually messaged me privately before I had chance saying since we've grown apart over the past couple of years she doesn't feel comfortable being a Bridesmaid but she still wants to be there on the day which obviously I want her to be so I explained I'd had the same thoughts and we're ok as far as I'm aware. I'm just glad she understands and I haven't lost her friendship. Thank you all for your advice ladies, it's greatly appreciated 😊❤️

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