Wedding Forum - Bridemaids - H2B sister stress...

Hello All. I would like some advice. My H2B & I got engaged in January and getting married next June. I chose my bridesmaids quite early on…. My childhood best friend, my sister-in-law and my H2Bs sister. My H2Bs sister was very excited and said she couldn’t wait to help. Since then she has stopped speaking to me, she won’t meet my other bridesmaids and gives various excuses… like she doesn’t want to waste her spare days with people she doesn’t know, she doesn’t feel she should help out and just wants to turn up on the day, she says she’s busy at uni and her stress is far greater than mine. I have tried to arrange for all the bridesmaids to see the dress I’ve chosen and try it on but she won’t take part. I’ve arranged the fitting for January and asked her to meet at my house so I can drive all the girls up there have a bridesmaid dress fitting and then have lunch – make a day of it so they get to know each other. She has told me that she won’t travel with us and has invited her mum & dad to come back from Spain (they live out there) to pick her up & drive her to the fitting and then leave.
My H2B is disappointed by her actions and behaviour and I would prefer she wasn’t a bridesmaid as I can do without the extra stress but he wants her anyway as she is his sister. I have tried communicating with her but she won’t take my calls, ignores my texts and messages via facebook. My H2B has tried calling her and she has hung up on him. My best friend has tried messaging her on facebook but she’s ignoring her too. I don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice?

I get on well with them and I have tried talking to the MIL but unfortunately the sister seems to get her own way on a lot of things and the family just accept her behaviour. The MIL says her daughter is so busy with uni trying to get a distinction and its too early for her to get involved.

My H2Bs sister is 25 yrs old next month and she throws temper tantrums to get what she wants. For example I was at the in-laws last Christmas and because my H2Bs sister couldn't choose the film after lunch she stormed up stairs refused to eat with anyone or spend anytime with the family over Christmas.

when does the sister finish uni ?..... what does she mean get a distinction ?

She's the baby of his family and I've always found her behaviour odd. She's at Uni in her final year and wants a distinction for her politics degree. She's doing well and on track for that. Our wedding is 19 June and her exams finish in May - I made sure that didn't interfere with her exams. I know it will be hard for her to take part running up to her exams but I don't see what she can't communicate with me and help out now?
I have enough stress with my own family, my parents have stopped talking to me - and I'm now on anxiety medication so I could do without without with my H2Bs sisters bad behaviour.
I have told him if she refuses to talk to me I don't want her but I know how much it hurts him.

She sounds like a nightmare :( The best thing would be to drop her but I think that would be difficult and cause another sort of stress, it's a bit of a no-win situation. Good luck x

The BM job is chosen by the bride so you have every right to say that you don't want her to be your bm, despite what your oh says. You could always demote her so that she still has a job in the wedding, just something not so important as a bm like a reading during the ceremony

You could put this to her and it might give her the wake up call she needs to stop being such a spoilt so and so. If it doesn't, then you know she didn't want to do it in the first place. x

you don't deserve to be treated like that in any way! being a bridesmaid is a privilege not a right and she should be honoured that you want her by your side on your big day.
if i was you i would just cut your losses now and say you think its best she is just part of the bridal party and thats it, why should you have to deal with her immaturity!
good luck
xx

I think first you need to explain to your H2B what you expect from a bridesmaid, and point out that it isn't fair on your other bridesmaids if she doesn't pull her weight but is treated equally. Then give her the ultimatum that she has to get involved to a reasonable extent. All she really needs is come to a fitting with the girls, support the hen do, and be around in the last few days. When I was bridesmaid for my twin brother I was as involved as I was asked to be. I joined the others for dress shopping, helped the CBM with the hen do as we both lived in Cardiff, and arrived the day before to help set up. I also played the flute for the signing of the register and spent a lot of time preparing that. The CBM did most of the preparation but that's as it should be. When my younger brother got engaged and I was again asked I was very honest and explained that as I was planning my own wedding I might be limited in what help I could give, but I would offer support on the day, and was happy to bounce ideas around on Facebook. SIL was fine with that, she knew I was wedding planning too. It worked really well as two brides to be comparing notes. I supported the hen do and went dress shopping, but wasn't involved in anything else before the day except the rehearsal. Her twin sister was CBM. It is a bit difficult for the groom's sister, I was always aware that as much as I got on with the brides I was only involved because I was the future sister-in-law. Perhaps if you can say you just want one day from her for the dress fitting, and you'll make sure the hen do isn't until after her exams, so she knows that you are taking her commitments seriously. Then you can give her a specific job to do towards the end, so she feels like she has a part to play. I always felt a little bit out on a limb, maybe she feels the same.

Thank you all for your advice. Just to update... my soon to be SIL has sent a nasty email to my H2B.... which has said....

"we are not Americans and the demands you're making of me goes far beyond them" - I've only asked her to meet the other bridesmaids, attend a dress fitting and reply to emails & text messages re the wedding - but she's not spoken to me for months!

"I no longer feel like pandering to your fiancee" - she has honestly done nothing for me as she hasn't spoken to me for months!

"I'll take no further crap for the fact you've decided to marry that problem" - I've done nothing but be nice to that girl!

"You're wasting your money on a pathetic expensive display" - I fear she has no idea what weddings cost & I personally think we have been very careful with our money.

Her nasty email has been the last straw for me & I have no idea why she hates me so much?? But I've told her that I've seen the email and if she feels that strongly about me I think its best she is no longer a bridesmaid. She hasn't responded but the bestmen have told me she has text them saying she is being punished for being honest!!?
She's not a bridesmaid because she has been rude and shows no remorse for her nasty email.
I certainly feel I've done the right thing by removing her from being bridesmaid.

Thank you for all your support!

What a nightmare she is! Good riddance to her!

Although you still have an extra dress am I right? Do you have a friend who could replace her? What has your OH had to say about her since she's said that? X

Omg, such a crazy and stupid woman!
It's good that it was sorted out, but it was not the best way. But don't get stressed about it, keep enjoying planning your big day :D

It's the best way and it just shows that your marrying the right guy who will support you always....

Good times...

Bring on the celebrations.