A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
How was I supposed to know that when you throw rice at the bride after a wedding, you're meant to take it out of the bag first?
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
It was emotional on the day of my wedding. The wife found out I'd been sleeping with one of the bridesmaids and during the reception started throwing the wedding cake at me. That's when I got a tier in my eye.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
(Slightly rude alert)
A newly wed couple are checking into the hotel for their honeymoon & the woman behind the desk asks the bride
"do you have reservations?"
"I am not sure about taking it up the bottom" She relpies
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthor~*~ Becca ~*~
pmfsl stace xx
17.09.2010 ---I am officially Mrs Rebecca Mollins
Twilight - its' like my own personal brand of Heroin...
Edward Cullen - The Hottest Vampire since 1901 !!
I have OTD - Obsessive Twilight Disorder :D
CommentAuthorolli's mummy
Newly wed girl is sitting in her best friends house having coffee. She tells her friend that she has to get divorced even though she had only been married a week. Why the friend asks, "you have a very attractive husband, a stunning house, people to serve you, money to burn and a chauffeur driven car what else do you want?" the new bride replys, well Joe only likes bottom se x and before I was married my bottom hole was the size of a 5 pence - now its the size of a 50 pence - the friend says "what your throwing all this away for 45 pence?"
Ok its better when your told it lol
CommentAuthorVintageChic
I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorZoe Kay
lol@ stace that last one is well funny !!!!!! :)
CommentAuthorTattieSoup
A young couple go to the reception desk in a hotel and ask for a room. The receptionist looks up and sees that the woman is wearing a wedding dress, so she asks if they would like the bridal? "No thanks," replies the young woman shyly "I'll just hold on to his ears until I get the hang of it."
A man on his wedding night is watching his new bride undress for the first time, and he says to her "Ooh, you've got lovely big boobies!" She becomes very angry and throws him out into the corridor. He's been there a few minutes, when another man comes flying out of the room next door. "What happened to you?" asked the first man. "Well," says the second man "I was watching my new wife undressing for the first time, and I said to her "Ooh, I like your lovely big bum! The next thing I knew I was out here." They sit there for a few minutes in companionable silence, when a third new husband comes flying out of the room down the hall. "I suppose you put your foot in it too?" they ask. "No," he replies, "But I bloody well could have!!"
CommentAuthorSoon2beMrsHall
LOL i was in tears laughing about the little boy doing step step roar and the one stace just done. tried to tell martyn them but i couldnt stop laughing i told him i would try later to tell him
Cant wait to to marry Martyn
Wishes the wedding would come faster
XxX
CommentAuthorAttention seeker :)
very good
im not seeking attetion i just like everyone looking at me
im married
im now Mrs Dove
no more wedding planning LOL yer right
CommentAuthorRachie :D
pmsl
9th June 2012 when two worlds collide
The Crazy Cat Lady and the Transformer Man!
CommentAuthorFuture Mrs Henderson
So good, keep them coming. Cheered me up a treat as my man went away back down south today for work and won't b home for two weeks :-( xx
CommentAuthorVintageChic
I think i've used up all the good ones :(
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorMrs (Dove) Pidgeon
A young girl was madly in love and was very happy to get married.
However a week later she rang her mother in tears. Mum its awful, he keeps using all these four letter words at me Her mother replied reassuring, telling her it can't be that bad, and trying to convince her to tell her what he had said 'I can't mum, they are jut too awful'. She finally managed to get the awful words out of her
'Dust, was, iron, cook...'
'Pack your bags, your coming home at once'
Now a extremely happy German housewife and now a Mother!!!!
Islay Jean born 24th June in Hannover.
CommentAuthorVintageChic
My Mum's wedding was very emotional - even the cake was in tiers.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes;
Free Bar!
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthortwirler
lmao hahahahahahahaaha these are fab
Officially Mrs Joseph
back on the diet re set my target
CommentAuthorKerrylou
Love them!!I'll defo be using a few of these on the big day :D xxx
It's right what they say
"The course of true love never runs smoothly"
But if it had been easy then we wouldn't love each other as
much as we do right now - 1 week to go :D
CommentAuthorVintageChic
BUMP
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorx~Hails~x
Love the last one, just told h2b and hes still laughing lol
UKBride moderator both on here and on facebook
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
CommentAuthorVintageChic
:D
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
My best friend has just run off with my wife.
I didn't actually know the guy before it happened, but he's my best friend now.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorAmy
Brilliant especially that funeral one, absolutely excellent!!
Anyway-
How do you know when your husband is going to say something clever?......Because he start's off with "My wife says....."
CommentAuthorJulie Walker x
A man was speaking to God. "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked. God said: "I did that to make you love them". Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?" God said: "I did that to make you love them". The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?". God said: "I did that to make them love you !"
oh I do I do I dooooo!!!
oh I did I did I did!!
CommentAuthorJulie Walker x
Lessons learnt about men ..
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types .
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him .
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men .......... a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
17. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.
oh I do I do I dooooo!!!
oh I did I did I did!!
CommentAuthorVintageChic
though put both words from 16. together and they're acceptable
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthormomari
CommentAuthorljeh92
Haha some of these are actually hilarious!!
Soon to be Mrs Laura Naylor !!
24th June 2011
CommentAuthorRhiannonollie
I LOVE THESE!!!! :)
is soooo happy and lucky
CommentAuthorstormie
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
CommentAuthorstormie
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
CommentAuthorstormie
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
CommentAuthorstormie
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
CommentAuthorstormie
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
CommentAuthorstormie
Why are married women heavier than single women? Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink!" To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? About forty pounds! What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About forty minutes!
CommentAuthormomari
CommentAuthorRhiannonollie
you guys know that our Hs2B better not see these jokes, because all the ones that are bad against women, as funny as they are they better not be used in any grooms speech!! lol!!!!
They are very funny though!
is soooo happy and lucky
CommentAuthorekielty(now Trow)
These jokes are just brilliant! :)
Very very happy as Mrs Erica Trow
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! xx
CommentAuthorVintageChic
*toasts*
Here's to the newly weds. May the only ups and downs you have be between the sheets.
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorMrs Hailstone 2 be
my h2b loved the wedding rings are the worlds tiniest handcuffs. he's even written in down. think it may be making a re appearance at the wedding haha
some of these are brilliant. thanks for sharing them ive had a great time reading them
CommentAuthorBrissy_Bride
Hahaha. These are great!!
A woman worries until she's married. A man has no worries until he's married.
We had to travel across the earth to find each other
We've never been apart since meeting almost 7years ago
And never will be!
I can't wait until he is my husband :D
CommentAuthorVintageChic
"Susan, will you marry me?"
"Oh yes Johnny, yes! yes!"
Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother
"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde
- Moderator
CommentAuthorVintageChic
Strangely, my wife wasn't happy at all when I gave her a ring on our wedding day. Perhaps I should have texted her instead.
BUMP
though put both words from 16. together and they're acceptable
